Why is shoulding so problematic? Shoulding helps us to stay motivated, to have direction, to be reminded of what is right and wrong, to keep us focused on our goals, and to have integrity. Much good comes from shoulding.
Shoulding is that behavior connected to the sentence starter "I or we should or should not”….”She or he should or should not”.
The problem with shoulding is that we do it subconsciously… about everything… towards everyone. We can never keep up with aspirations inspired by our shoulding. Others cannot either. Behind shoulding behaviors are a lot of hidden rules and un-communicated hopes. Shoulding leads to expectations that you put on yourself and others. Many of these expectations are not recognized, are not communicated, and are not realistic. They put a lot of stress on the individuals who are being should upon and they steal from the joy. Shoulding creates a lot of busyness, and causes a lot of arguments, disappointments, feelings of failure, and feelings of anger.
Shoulding is a form of perfectionism and control…and in life there are a lot of things out of our control, that just can’t be rectified through shoulding. Shoulding makes up feel less than, incompetent, never good enough. Shoulding is failure waiting to happen…shoulding is the building block of resentment.
Action Step: So how do we stop Shoulding? The first step is to recognize it. The next time you get angry…stop! Ask yourself the following question! Who am I shouding on? What am I Shoulding of them? Is what I am Shoulding realistic? Fair? Something I SHOULD have control over or a say in?
If you need to let go of something you just shoulded…may the following words give you comfort…
God (or whatever Higher Power you look towards)
Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can.
If you find yourself needing additional assistance with anger related to shoulding… please contact me to schedule an appointment. email@example.com or 469-248-7671